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I just realised…

29 Jun

…my metric of how much I hate something.

I compare it with my hatred of Giraffes. Which is almost the maximum extreme.
Then I compare it with my hatred of ninjas. Which is about as trivial as you can get whilst still being hatred.
See where it falls between those.

Why do I always slice open my left hand…
Because  you’re always holding the knife with the right, you idiot.
Oh yeah.




15 Jun

I got home and read a letter.

Then I roared, and screamed, and bellowed and ranted and roared some more.
Then I drank some rum and practiced accordion rather angstily. It felt so odd.


I will…

13 May

I will apply for more jobs online.
I will start posting here more often.
I will start working on my art more often.
I will clean my room.
I will clean my car.
I will cook dinner more often.
I will clean out the fan in my laptop.
I will clean out the fan in the family computer.
I will restack the woodbox.
I will sort out my dirty washing.
I will unstack the dishwasher.
I will work on my art.
I will get in contact with people from my hometown while I’m down here.
I will reorganize everything in my car.
I will go shopping for mum’s birthday.
I will cook dinner more often.
I will clean the kitchen.

Go suck on a toad.
I’ve been sick for almost a week now.
I’ll do it when I don’t feel like a reanimated sack of crap.


Making Connections

2 May

So today, Osama Bin Laden has finally been brought to justice.
Also Australian lamb prices have exceeded our beef prices for the first time in Australian History.


…yeah, probably…


To a Tee

18 Feb

It is summed up.

Teaser? What Teaser?

15 Feb

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Epic Gig

2 Feb

Mr Fibby, in the bottom of a Castle Piano during a thunderstorm.

Amanda Palmer was pretty cool too. Best out of tune youkillelagh playing I’ve come across.


Fixing Avatar

25 Jan

James Camerons Avatar, not the tv show we all know and love.
Also, I’m not saying that I’ve fixed the movie, but I’ve fixed what should have gone down so everyone is happy. Well, the Sky People  are happy and the navi are, you know, alive.
This plan actually takes forethought, so stick with me.

Step 1: Take some cuttings of Home Tree. Grow them up, take cuttings from them again until you have a lot of cuttings. Find a nearby area on Pandora with no unobtainium in the ground, clear it, do your ground prep and plant them. Make sure they get properly established, maybe form prune them and stuff. You can probably start step two before you have finished this though.

Step 2: Kill Home Tree. Distract the Navi with fireworks and hit it with a chemical axe. A chemical axe is essentially a hypodermic needle for a tree which you use to inject herbicides into it. So Home Tree looks like it just gets sick and dies on its own. Seeing as Home Tree is so freakin big it will probably take a while and you would probably have to hit it a few times, but that’s ok because it gives the cuttings longer to grow.

Step 3: Diplomacy. Sky People are all “Oh shit, Home Tree died? Well we thought Home Tree was so cool that we did some science to see how they grow, we’ve got heaps of them growing over here. We can help you move over there and set up tents and stuff for you while they’re still too small to live in. We’re so sorry to hear that your cool tree died, we’ll do our science and try and find out why.”
A couple of ‘science’s later.
“Blue dudes! We were doing the science thing to try and find out why Home Tree died! There’s this poisonous stuff under the ground that kills trees! Its spreading too! It might like, kill the whole forest or something! That would be heaps bad, right. We’ll dig it out of the ground for you, because we think you guys are so cool and stuff.”

Step 4: Profit. You’re welcome.

Moral of the story: Never send a Marine to do a nurseryman’s job.



29 Jul

Yeah, all the computers are out to get me I swear.
My laptop has decided that it doesn’t want to charge at all. Not even a bit, which is shit, so I have to use the infuriating uni computers instead of my nice chunky friendly laptop. Which won’t let me upload my pictures for some reason. Not even to photobucket. HTTP ERROR my third tit, you’re havin a laugh.
So yeah, technology is conspiring with murphy, so you the reader don’t get to be entertained by my paradigm shifting humour until problems are resolved. Tough bananas.


A Zombies Prayer

5 Jul

Oh Lord above,
Send down a dove,
With beak as sharp as razor,
To slit the throats,
Of them there blokes,
Who love nerf balls and raiders.


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