Fixing Avatar

25 Jan

James Camerons Avatar, not the tv show we all know and love.
Also, I’m not saying that I’ve fixed the movie, but I’ve fixed what should have gone down so everyone is happy. Well, the Sky People  are happy and the navi are, you know, alive.
This plan actually takes forethought, so stick with me.

Step 1: Take some cuttings of Home Tree. Grow them up, take cuttings from them again until you have a lot of cuttings. Find a nearby area on Pandora with no unobtainium in the ground, clear it, do your ground prep and plant them. Make sure they get properly established, maybe form prune them and stuff. You can probably start step two before you have finished this though.

Step 2: Kill Home Tree. Distract the Navi with fireworks and hit it with a chemical axe. A chemical axe is essentially a hypodermic needle for a tree which you use to inject herbicides into it. So Home Tree looks like it just gets sick and dies on its own. Seeing as Home Tree is so freakin big it will probably take a while and you would probably have to hit it a few times, but that’s ok because it gives the cuttings longer to grow.

Step 3: Diplomacy. Sky People are all “Oh shit, Home Tree died? Well we thought Home Tree was so cool that we did some science to see how they grow, we’ve got heaps of them growing over here. We can help you move over there and set up tents and stuff for you while they’re still too small to live in. We’re so sorry to hear that your cool tree died, we’ll do our science and try and find out why.”
A couple of ‘science’s later.
“Blue dudes! We were doing the science thing to try and find out why Home Tree died! There’s this poisonous stuff under the ground that kills trees! Its spreading too! It might like, kill the whole forest or something! That would be heaps bad, right. We’ll dig it out of the ground for you, because we think you guys are so cool and stuff.”

Step 4: Profit. You’re welcome.

Moral of the story: Never send a Marine to do a nurseryman’s job.



2 Responses to “Fixing Avatar”

  1. machi January 25, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    Amazing. That would have been a much more interesting film to watch. Fund it!

  2. Leechman January 26, 2011 at 11:23 am #

    Way to ruin the story for me… geez

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