14 Sep

For the unindoctrinated Talderoy is a god-like character described in a song by The Pirates Charles.
Here are the lyrics of the song to give you the whole story on him.

He sailed upon the sea and he had a mighty beard
Had a mighty beard, Talderoy
He traveled ‘cross the globe and he drank the wine with kings
Drank the wine with kings, Talderoy
He listened to the falcons and knew secrets of the land
Secrets of the land, Talderoy
He swore upon a diamond that he’d never come back home
Never come back home, Talderoy

Talderoy! Talderoy!
Fenstencerate yeb gaumin ninsterings
Talderoy, fucking Talderoy!
Glinthomas megrathdin Talderoy!

His hands are hard as granite fists, his skin like polished stone
Skin like polished stone, Talderoy
His blood is made of lightning and there’s silver in his bones
Silver in his bones, Talderoy
If ye tried to bury Talderoy, the dirt would cow’r in fear
The dirt would cow’r in fear of Talderoy
His ear will hear ye down the hall a week before yer born
A week before yer born, Talderoy


He ties a million knots around the hearts of worthy dames
The hearts of worthy dames, Talderoy
He’s laid so many maidens he’s the father of mankind
The father of mankind is Talderoy
At sunday mass brave Talderoy doth shake the hand of God
Shake the hand of God, Talderoy
And when yer in the taverns ye best eye upon yer lass
The eye upon her ass is Talderoy’s


He freed the Hebrew slaves and he built the Taj Mahal
Built the Taj Mahal, Talderoy
He did dope with Jimi Hendrix and he writes of David Gale
Writes of David Gale and Talderoy
He wrote “Stairway to Heaven” and he shot poor JFK
It wasn’t Oswald, it was Talderoy
He rode Bermudas lightning and never came back home
Where the hell is home Talderoy?

He’s made a bird extinct but then brought it back to life
Brought it back to life, Talderoy
He ate Bermuda’s flower and he kept from going mad
Kept from going mad, Talderoy
He killed a man in China he caught rif’ling through his gold
Rif’ling through the gold of Talderoy
And in a blink his cutlass tore the Chinaman from life
The Chinaman from life, Talderoy


There was fury, there was fire on the day that he was born
The day that he was born, Talderoy
He stands upon a powder keg with sunrise at his bow
Sunrise at his bow, Talderoy
If ever yer at sea and ye see a striped flag
See a striped flag, it’s Talderoy
Ye best go ‘face yer rudder ‘fore ye lose yer very pride
Lose yer very pride to Talderoy

Now after hearing this song a few times after buying one of The Pirates Charles albums, I started to really think about the lyrics.
Especially “His blood is made of lightning and there’s silver in his bones” and I’m thinking to myself, I wonder if he is a robot…

Few things are actually known about Talderoy, but there are many things said about him.
Here are some of them.

  • Behind Talderoy’s beard is Chuck Norris.
  • Talderoy was the fourth wiseman; he gave Jesus the gift of beard.
  • The other wisemen were so jealous that Jesus wore it to his death that they conspired to write Talderoy out of the Bible.
  • When Talderoy has sex with a man, it’s not because he’s gay. It’s because he’s run out of women.
  • If you spell Talderoy in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Talderoy doesn’t use a boat. He swims around the Caribbean and steals entire ships.
  • A comet didn’t wipe out the dinosaurs. Talderoy just doesn’t like lizards.
  • When Talderoy goes swimming, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Talderoy.
  • Talderoy isn’t so much a pirate as all pirates are little pieces of Talderoy.
  • Talderoy has sailed 8 of the 7 seas.
  • To fire a cannon, Talderoy doesn’t use a match. He just stares it down until it gives in to the pressure.
  • Talderoy once sold his soul to the Devil for unrivaled pirate skill and once he did, Talderoy stole his soul back.
  • In any game of Rock Paper Scissors, the winning hand is always Talderoy.
  • Talderoy never knocks. He walks up and the door opens on it’s own.
  • Talderoy doesn’t have alcohol in his blood stream. He has blood in his alcohol stream.
  • Talderoy uses active volcanoes as hot tubs.
  • Talderoy can swim to the moon.
  • The Ozone layer actually represents the boundaries of Talderoy’s personal space.
  • Talderoy doesn’t need wind. He fills his sails with air from his lungs.
  • Talderoy doesn’t need currents. He just points and the water runs that way.
  • Talderoy was shot once. He pulled the bullet out and handed it to the man who shot him before killing the man.

Oh also, Talderoy is a real person. The Pirates Charles found him when where playing at a pirate festival once.
If you are into pirates at all I strongly recommend getting your hands on some of The Pirates Charles’ discography. If you call yourself pirate and you haven’t heard of The Pirates Charles and haven’t heard of them, then you’re not doing it right. The Pirates Charles on CD Baby.



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